Our Cycle — Together
Couple's Homework — Before Your Session
Our Cycle
Together

Complete this together — side by side or across from each other. Each of you responds to your own column, then you share and reflect on the questions you complete as a couple.

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5
The cycleYour movesUnderneathConnectionSummary
What Triggered the Cycle?
Each of you names the moment from your own perspective — there is no single right version.
Partner A
What triggered the cycle for you?
Partner B
What triggered the cycle for you?
Together
After sharing your two perspectives — what do you notice? Where do they differ? Where do they overlap? You don't have to agree on what happened. The goal is to see how each of you experienced it.
How Activated Were You?
Rate the intensity of your experience at the peak of the cycle.
Partner A
5
Barely noticedCompletely flooded
Partner B
5
Barely noticedCompletely flooded
Notice if your activation levels were different — this often explains why you each moved the way you did.
Your Moves in the Cycle
What each of you did — and how it landed for the other.
Partner A — my move
I pursued I withdrew I attacked I defended I froze I complied
Partner B — my move
I pursued I withdrew I attacked I defended I froze I complied
Together — map the cycle
Together, describe the cycle as a loop: "When A does ___, B does ___, which makes A do ___ more." Name your cycle — give it a title if you can. Naming the cycle makes it a "thing" you can both stand against together — instead of standing against each other.
What Your Bodies Were Doing
The body is always ahead of the words.
Partner A
Chest tight Heart racing Stomach sinking Went numb Felt hot Wanted to flee
Partner B
Chest tight Heart racing Stomach sinking Went numb Felt hot Wanted to flee
The Attachment Fear Underneath
Beneath every move in the cycle is a deeper fear about the relationship.
Partner A — my fear
I don't matter to you I'll be left I'm too much I'm not enough You'll reject me if I'm real We're fundamentally broken
Partner B — my fear
I don't matter to you I'll be left I'm too much I'm not enough You'll reject me if I'm real We're fundamentally broken
Together — hearing each other's fear
After hearing each other's fears — what do you notice? What was it like to hear your partner's fear? This is often the moment the cycle starts to soften — when you can see each other's fear instead of each other's moves.
The Need That Went Unspoken
What each of you was really longing for.
Partner A — my need
To feel I matter To feel safe to be vulnerable To be held and soothed To feel chosen To feel understood Space without being chased
Partner B — my need
To feel I matter To feel safe to be vulnerable To be held and soothed To feel chosen To feel understood Space without being chased
Together — a small step toward each other
Is there one small thing you could offer each other right now — just a gesture toward what the other needed? Small steps taken with intention are the building blocks of a new cycle.
De-escalation Moments
What interrupted or softened the cycle this week?
Together
Did the cycle slow down or stop at any point? What helped — even slightly?
One of us stepped back One of us reached back in We named the cycle together Time and space helped A moment of humor Someone softened or apologized It didn't really de-escalate
Bids for Connection
The small moments of reaching toward each other — seen and missed.
Partner A
A bid I made toward you that I'm not sure you saw:
Partner B
A bid I made toward you that I'm not sure you saw:
Together — receiving each other's bids
After hearing each other's bids — what surprised you? What do you want the other to know? Bids are often quiet and easy to miss — especially when the cycle is running loud.
What to Bring to Session
Arriving prepared and open together.
Together
What does your relationship most need your therapist's help with today?
Partner A
Something I'm afraid to say in front of my partner:
Partner B
Something I'm afraid to say in front of my partner:
Your therapist will help you find a way to say what needs to be said — safely.
Here is your shared cycle summary — ready to bring into session together.
The cycle
Attachment layer
Connection & bids
For your therapist
The cycle is not who you are — it is what happens between you when fear takes over and connection feels out of reach. Seeing it together, and bringing it here, is already an act of courage for your relationship.